Second Draft :
Gong
Dance
Dance Kancet Ledo also called Dance Gong is one of the artistic expression
of the Dayak people who inhabit the East Kalimantan. Dance Gong be an expression of
tenderness woman. This dance reveals the beauty, intelligence and gentle and
dance movements in accordance with the name of the dance, the dance is danced
on top of a Gong movement gentle and full balance accompany by musical
instruments Sapeq and usually dance
is usually performe during the welcom ceremony a grand or ceremony welcome the
birth of a baby chiefs. Gong dancers dress in the
form of Maniks
and Taah
clothes. It is
typical clothes of women consisting of velvet
fabric decorate with maniks, which
are use in a manner wrappe around the waist, which each end of the
rope is wound and stopped at the navel
and other equipment used Lavung and necklaces made of
maniks color and
teeth or fangs Tiger, and hornbill
feathers are worn on both hands dancer.
Simplicity dance Gong
seen in motion and
music. Dance Gong movement in only a few segments of the body are moving, as well
as the form of repetitive movements when the dancer towards Gong, while on and
off of Gong, Gong dance also has a simple footwork in stride and swing the body
and hands gentle. Costumes use very luxurious. It is made of maniks strung into
a motifes animals like motif necklace pattern aso music game that supports this dance accompaniment flat is not a
change from the beginning to the end of the dance. In conclusion gong dance
is a dance that reflects the softness of a woman and also have beauty and
intelligence that is used for ceremony.
Note:
Tari Kencet
ledo : one of the traditional
dance from Central Kalimantan.
Gong : is one of the traditional musical instrument
Dayak Kalimantan art
Sapeq : is a musical instrument that is plucked like a harp
Taah : It is a typical female clothing consisting of velvet decorated beads
Lavung : is a hat made of rattan and there are motifs in accordance with style
Sapeq : is a musical instrument that is plucked like a harp
Taah : It is a typical female clothing consisting of velvet decorated beads
Lavung : is a hat made of rattan and there are motifs in accordance with style
clothes and Taah
Aso necklace : is a necklace made of materials of a dog or dragon
Aso necklace : is a necklace made of materials of a dog or dragon
Manik : is a glittering beads jewelry that
adorn the costume
1. I think you need change the topic sentence , “Dance Kancet Ledo also called Dance Gong is one of the artistic expression of the Dayak people who inhabit the East Kalimantan”. You should change it be “Dance Kancet Ledo is a traditional dance from East Kalimantan”. It will be make you easier to give the detail of the paragraph.
BalasHapus2. It about the supporting sentence after the topic sentence. Exactly, you should add the supporting sentences. For example : “This dance called Dance Gong”, the other statement that caused this dance can be popular at there.
3. In the concluding, you should give the conclusion that cover your paragraph. Example : “In conclusion Gong dance is a dance that dance by woman usually shows when there has ceremony welcome the birth of a baby chiefs”.
4. In line 3 it will be better if you give the signal order such as : In addition, to provide the sentence.. Example : ” Dance Gong be an expression of tenderness woman. In addition, this dance reveals the beauty, intelligence and gentle and dance movements in accordance with the name of the dance, the dance is danced on top of a Gong movement gentle and full balance accompany by musical instruments Sapeq and usually dance is usually performance during the welcome ceremony a grand or ceremony welcome the birth of a baby chiefs.”
1. i think you need make your topic more easier . example : "Dance Kancet Ledo also called Dance Gong is one of the artistic expression of the Dayak people who inhabit the East Kalimantan" become "one of familiar dance in east kalimatan is gong dance".
BalasHapus2. for your supporting sentence. the sentence on the line 15 "Costumes use very luxurious. It is made of maniks strung into a motifes animals like motif necklace pattern " should be placed on the line 7. or you can delete it because it make your supporting sentence too much repetition words.
3. i think your concluding sentence must be clear example: " In conclusion, gong is a beautiful dance that reflects the softness,beauty and intelligence of a woman that is used for ceremony welcome the birth of a baby chiefs".
4. i think you do not have to use signal word in your supporting sentence but if you use signal word its no problem you can use in addition, and, in your supporting sentence. in your concluding sentence you can use in conclusion or in brief example :"In brief, gong is a beautiful dance that reflects the softness,beauty and intelligence of a woman that is used for ceremony welcome the birth of a baby chiefs."
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BalasHapusPlease pay attention about the title of the paragraph. I thought it was not "Dance Ledo Kancet or Dance Gong ". If you not changed it will be different meaning. So it was to be "Ledo Kancet Dance or Gong Dance", that is true.
BalasHapus1. A topic sentence is a clear statement that give the main idea. Here are two hints for writing a good topic sentence such as get the reader's attention and avoid unnecessary word. It should be carefully worded to express a limited main idea. Thus, I suggest you to change the topic sentence "Kancet Ledo Dance is called Gong Dance is one of the artistic expression of the Dayak people who inhabit the East Kalimantan. "You can use " Kancet Ledo Dance is a traditional dance from East Kalimantan ". It makes the reader can see what the paragraph is going to be about and is therefore better prepared to understand it.
2. Furthermore, a good topic sentence has controlling ideas. It helps guide the flow of ideas in the paragraph. It is the controlling idea in the paragraph "Dance Gong be an expression of tenderness woman. This dance reveals the beauty, intelligence and gentle and dance movements in accordance with the name of the dance, the dance is danced on top of a Gong movement gentle and full balance accompany by musical instruments Sapeq and usually dance is usually performe during the welcom ceremony a grand welcome ceremony or the birth of a baby chiefs. "It was very long at all, you should make it a short and clear sentences. “Gong Dance be an expression the softness of woman. This dance reveals the beauty, intelligence and gentle. It is also movements in accordance with the name of the dance, the dance is danced on top of a gentle Gong movement and the full balance by musical instruments accompany Sapeq. Usually this dance performe during the welcome the birth of a baby chiefs."
3. Supporting sentences are the sentences that give more information about the topic sentence . You should be explain the topic sentence by giving s good , illustration , examples , facts , statistics , and quotation . How to give examples ? To give examples you can use the signal phrases : for example or for intance , followed by comma . In the middle of sentence you can use the preposional phrase such as , followed by comma .
4. Your paragraph is coherence, so you can use other signals transititional. It is are words and phrases that connect the idea an one sentence with the idea in another sentence. They are expressions such as first / second, furthermore, on the other hand, for example, and in conclusion. If you using transition signals you can makes your paragraph smoother and hepls your reader understand it more easily.
5. If you are using signals concluding , Followed by a comma " In conclusion , Gong Dance is a traditional dance be an expressions of the softness of a woman used for ceremony in East Kalimantan "
6. For language focus, please pay attention the use of capitalization and pronouns . Always capitalize proper nouns - the names of specific people, place, or things . For example , In line 17 there is the word " gong dance " to " Gong Dance" .